What is "Real" Love?

Don’t tell me you love me, show me.  I have heard this repeated many times or I have seen it as a posting on Facebook.  I have been trying to understand what people mean by that statement.  What do they actually want us to show them to “prove” our love to them?

I am thinking that their definition of true love must be some of the following:

Always agree with me no matter what.

Never leave me out of anything you talk about.

Believe the way that I believe.

Never upset me or make me mad.

Don’t say the wrong things to me.

Never make me feel like I am being lied to.

Allow me to say or do whatever I want to you.

If that is how one shows true love for another, I think many of us will fail.  I would like to think when someone truly loves you they have the following attributes:

They don’t always agree with you but they still love you.

They are not afraid to call you out when you are in the wrong.

They are always there when you truly need them no matter what.

They accept you for who you are.

They may get mad at you but they will always forgive you.

They accept your beliefs even if they differ from yours.

They don’t expect you to be perfect.

They love you faults and all.

If you are constantly requiring of others what you yourself are not willing to give, you will be a very lonely and unhappy person.  We are all human, and that means we will all make mistakes, perhaps over and over again.  Always trying to find the worst in others or just waiting for them to make a mistake so you can cut them out of your life is hurting no one but yourself.  Thinking that everyone is out to get you is a sad way to live.  When you seem to be having problems with almost everyone in your life, perhaps the problem is with you and not them.  Stop complicating every relationship you have with others, lighten up; if you want friends, you truly have to be one.

What Would Jesus Do?

This latest controversy in the news involving Kim Davis, the County Clerk who refused to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple has stirred some emotions within me.  There was a time I would have just hailed someone like her as a hero and a true “Christian” for standing up for her convictions.  Thank God, literally that he has softened my heart and opened my eyes up to what real Christianity is truly about.

I admire those who have strong beliefs, I have some myself and I think we all do.  I think a person should stand up for what they believe in, to a certain extent.  When you have been hired to perform certain services, you need to be willing to abide to those services to the best of your ability.  The one thing I have learned during my education towards my degree in Human Services is that you cannot allow your personal bias to interfere with your obligation to help all people in need, regardless of their sex, religious views, or even their lifestyle. 

I have heard people say they would quit their job before they would serve those who live a certain lifestyle, and that is certainly their prerogative.  What is not acceptable though, is expecting to keep a job when you do not do the job that you are expecting to be paid for.  Hailing someone a hero for defying his or her superiors is misguided.  She claims she was doing this to stand up for her beliefs and yet she would certainly be offended if an establishment refused her service because of her holiness appearance. 

This is where so-called Christians leave me disheartened.  Do they not understand that God knows their heart?  Just because you do your job and issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple, does not mean you are agreeing with their lifestyle.  Do they not understand that God will not condemn them for showing unconditional love to others, even if they are different from themselves?  Just imagine what that couple would have thought if they see this obviously holiness woman be kind to them and just give them a warm smile?  Her refusal to serve them just makes her seem prejudice and unkind.  Is that truly the message that Christians want to give to others? 

My life has become so much happier since I have opened my heart up to accept everyone for who they are.  I do not have to agree with everyone’s lifestyle to love them, and I try to leave each person I come into contact with a feeling of importance and respect.  Some will say I am just compromising, but I like to think of it as putting the “human” in human services.

My Purpose

I cannot pinpoint exactly when it happened, but it changed my life forever.  I guess you are probably wondering what I am referring to?  I am talking about that moment when I realized what my purpose in this life was.  It was service to others.  Now I am not talking about some profound position that puts me in charge of others, I am referring to doing what I can to bring some peace and happiness to those who would otherwise be forgotten.

I used to wonder why it took so long for me to realize this and then it occurred to me: I could not help others until I was at a good place myself.  I had to be at a place of peace and contentment.  I had to really love the person that I am and be grateful for all that God has given me.  I am not referring to material things, but I am talking about the ability to love, forgive, have empathy, and compassion. See, if you cannot truly love yourself, how can you really love another?

Another realization I had was I cannot expect too much from others.  What I mean by that is not having high expectations of those that I love because when you project that on to them, you are allowing them to control how you feel if they do not live up to those expectations.  I hope that makes sense.  What I mean is I just accept people as they are, I appreciate what they are willing to give me, whether it be their time, their joy, their sorrows, their happiness.  I truly appreciate whatever they are willing to share with me.

There is something very important that I had to accept and I hope that others can learn from this.  I had to accept that not everyone is going to like or love me.  I had to accept that some can't trust me.  I had to accept that there are going to be some that will never accept me for who I am.  I had to realize that it really is not about me, but it's about them.  I don't hate them for it, I accept them and their feelings because I cannot change them.  Does it mean that it doesn't make me sad?  Of course I have my moments but that cannot define who I am or the person that I have become.  It is hard being a "fixer"...that is what someone said to me the other day.  I was told that because of some of my past experiences, I am a "fixer".  The trouble with being a fixer is that some things just cannot be fixed and I have to accept that and move on.

This is what I do know: I can go to sleep every night and know that I am striving to fulfill my purpose in life.  When I wake up every morning the first thing on my mind is what can I do today to make someone else's day happier.  In turn, I know that whatever I do will make me happy too.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about those that I am far away from.  Others that I have no contact with any longer, I think about them all the time and wonder how they are doing, are they happy, are they at peace.  I would love to hug so many that I cannot see on a daily basis and do what I can to put a smile on their face.

If I never accomplish another thing in the time that I have left on this earth, I will be forever grateful that God put me here and gave me the ability to be the person that I have become today.

These were just some thoughts that I had on my heart this morning.  :)

Best Kept Secret

I just finished watching a documentary called “Best Kept Secret”.  It was about a New Jersey high school teacher that dedicates herself to helping a group of autistic students overcome obstacles and plan for life after graduation.  Although there were parts that were very inspiring and uplifting, by the end of the film I had so many mixed emotions: sadness, bitterness, frustration, etc.  Let me explain why. 

The teacher that is portrayed in this has some very unique qualities.  She is the type of teacher that you wish all teachers could aspire to be like.  She proved she was not in this for the money, but because she genuinely cares about her students.  Most of the students in this film were teenagers or older and faced some real challenges such as the ability to communicate or to care for themselves.  She did not just stick them in a room and let them color, stare into space, etc., she actually worked one-on-one with them and tried to encourage them to communicate, to do things on their own, and to make the right choices.  This was all very uplifting and encouraging.

What I found to be very discouraging was the fact that she did not have more help.  It seems as though in a class of that size with so many needs they would have several teachers so all of the responsibility did not fall on one person.  Also, the Principal, to me was not very encouraging either.  She basically said, after they graduate from here you have to let go and not worry what happens to them.  I disagree!! 

The teacher did all she could to try and help the caregivers find the right place for them to go after graduation.  The choices were very limited and only one place offered transportation.  She could not help but notice that most of the places did not focus on the students one-on-one and none of them worked on continuing the hard work that teachers like her put into the students while they were in school.

One of her past students had actually regressed and you could tell that it really affected her, to know that she put so much work into teaching him communication skills, coping skills, independence, and to see him now being non-verbal, erratic, and unable to be independent.  She realized that most of the caregivers were going to choose the facility where her former student was at just because they offered transportation.

This infuriates me.  When I think of all the money that is being wasted in the government.  When I think of all the celebrities that spend more on a home than these schools could ever hope to get in a lifetime!!  I read where Katy Perry grossed something like $153 million dollars last year, and these students cannot even go to good day care centers because their families cannot afford transportation. 

One of the students was able to work at Burger King because his teacher advocated for him.  But in the credits afterwards, you see he lost his job because he could not find a sponsor to oversee him on a weekly basis.  These are forgotten human beings.  Once they are out of the school system they are just tossed aside.  Some of them have families to stay with, but what happens to those who have no one?  What happens to those whose mother dies or their caregivers cannot afford to take care of them any longer?  I guess they just get put in state institutions. 

How very sad and very frustrating it is that any human being, no matter what their disability cannot have a happy and productive life because there is not enough funding or because there are not enough good teachers to go around.  Just turn your TV on and watch how much wasteful spending goes on everyday. 

I know there are a lot of people who are not even going to give this writing a second thought, and some who probably won’t even read it.  Many people don’t care about special needs children unless it has directly affected their own family.  My son has Type 1 Diabetes, my grandson is autistic and I suppose that is why I am speaking about this.  Please don’t wait until something happens to someone you love before you do what you can to help those in need.  Look at your happy, healthy children and grandchildren and be thankful, but remember there are so many others out there who you could help, even in a small way. 

Really....please Educate yourself

My son was diagnosed at the age of 2 and I have to admit we did not know that much about Type 1 Diabetes.  Like typical America, diabetes was always associated with overweight people who do not take care of their health.  If they lose weight, the diabetes goes away.

Well, don't we all wish it was that way.  I know my 13 year old son would be happy to change his diet or stop eating certain foods if it meant never having to stick his sore little fingers again or dropping so low that he feels like he cannot stand up.

My husband and I were just out with our son eating Chinese.  We were talking about what life would be like for him if someone would just come up with a cure.  He said "mom I would just be happy if they came up with a painless way to check my blood, like running a laser over my arm that takes the blood sugar automatically."

I told him that I wish I could donate my pancreas to him so that he could live his life like a normal little boy.  My husband said you can't live without a Pancreas.  I said I would just have to take insulin, and I would do that for my son in a heartbeat.  I know many of you parents would do that without a thought.

After all these years we still get the ...I don't want to say stupid, but uneducated questions and comments.  "Is it hard on him not to be able to eat sweets?"  "How long will he have to be like this?"  "Did he get the diabetes from you or your husband?"  "Does he have to go to a special school for his disease?"  How many of you have had to deal with some of these same questions.  There is so much information out there now about Type 1 Diabetes that it is hard for me to believe that people can still be so clueless???

I love the shocked looks on people's faces when I tell him it is okay for him to have some candy or a cupcake as long as he bolus' for them.  I guess since he is diabetic I should never allow him to have anything "normal" kids have.  Of course we don't get that opportunity very often.  It seems as though my son doesn't have many friends and I just don't get it?  He is a great kid, a smart kid.  Problem is I guess the parents of some of his old friends just didn't want their sons "catching" what he has.  Or they didn't want to have him over because something might happen to him and they would "freak out".  

My husband and I work so hard to try and make Jacob feel normal.  If only I could get everyone else on board who seem to go out of their way to make him feel like some kind of freak???

Wasting Time

I was sitting here this morning thinking about time.  Why do some people waste so much time being angry?  If not angry then hurt, bitter, offended, or they hold grudges, sometimes for a lifetime.  I am just trying to figure out exactly what it accomplishes.  What is the payoff for them?  Do you know that I can honestly say there is nothing that I am not willing to forgive someone for if they apologize to me?  If someone hurts you and they apologize and you do not forgive them, what does that really accomplish?  You wait until they are dead and gone and then you have regrets or guilt, sometimes angry at yourself for not getting closure with them.  Speaking for myself, I have done and said some terrible things in my life.  Things that looking back now I am ashamed of.  I have hurt those I love, even strangers because I felt justified at the time, or I was not even considering how I was making them feel.  But I work on bettering myself everyday.  My attitude and how I handle certain situations.  I still mess up, I can still spout off hateful things in the heat of the moment, but that doesn’t mean I am proud of it.  It doesn’t mean that I am not sorry for causing someone hurt.  

The truth is, I don’t want to spend the majority of my time here on earth being angry, mean, hurtful, bitter, vindictive, etc.  I want to be as happy as I can possibly be.  My true happiness comes from the happiness I can bring to others.  Not just my family and friends but to strangers that I encounter everyday.  I make an effort to think of little things that might help someone.  Smile at strangers, compliment them, and just engage in conversation with them.  Sometimes people just want someone to talk to, to listen.  Telling someone they have pretty eyes or a pretty smile.  Complimenting their shoes, petting their dog, or winking at them!  When I am a reason for making someone feel better, it makes me feel better.  Who doesn’t want to feel better??  There are just some people who are negative from the time they wake up until they lay down at night.  They want to complain about the weather, the politics, the media, the television shows, people who are different from them, the music, their family, their friends, and the list goes on.  They never seem to be happy.  Where is the pay off in that?  What do they have to look forward to everyday?  Does that not sound like the most depressing and sad life a person could have??  

I was asked the other day if I could have anything in this world that I could have what would it be besides a cure for Type 1 Diabetes.  My answer came swift.  I would want the ability to have my daughter, son and grandbabies close to me.  I would give just about anything to see them all the time and kiss their sweet faces.  I would hug them everyday and just enjoy their presence.  I would cherish every single giggle and every little smile.  I would take them to the park and the ice cream place.  I would go shopping with my daughter and we would get our nails done.  I would have lunch with my son and we would talk about anything and everything.  I would not want to waste one single minute that I had with them.  But reality is, they live far away and probably will always live far away.  So what I do is cherish every moment that I have with them.  When we can’t be together in person, we text, Face time, or keep up on Facebook.  I love having the ability to wake up each morning eternally grateful that I exist.  I am blessed to have a roof over my head, food on my table and an amazing husband and son to hug every day.  I can still walk, drive, and make intelligent decisions.  I can still learn, laugh, and forgive.  I can make new friends, and stay in touch with old ones.  I can pet my dog and cuddle with her.  I can visit my parent’s everyday, my sisters, and take walks with my son.  The point of this writing is making the most out of every minute that we have here on this earth.  Every minute that you spend angry, you lose happiness.  Every minute that you spend bitter, you lose forgiveness.  Every minute that you spend gossiping, you lose positive communication.

Every minute that you spend hating, you lose Love.